To the Book Seller:
I didn't start this "Dear Book Seller," because you are appreciated by me but not dear to me. I bought something from you and the price was good and you packaged it well enough to survive the shipping journey so thanks for doing a pretty good job.
But this snippet of paper you included with my purchase has me in a state.
It begins "We would like to personally thank you. . ." You are not thanking me personally. My name's not on this. It's barely even thanking me individually. I got my own separate slip of paper, that's all.
Second, I'd like to suggest you check your stacks for a copy of Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. The chapter on business letters explains clearly the folly of beginning a letter with "We would like." I don't care what you would like; I don't even know you, and I am really busy.
Third, you are blurry in your thinking, at best, and disingenuous at worst. You are not writing to thank me. If you were feeling thankful, you would send me a coupon for ten percent off my next purchase. What you would like is for me to purchase another of your twenty-two thousand books because that's a lot of books for you to warehouse and you want some income. I understand that. See earlier comment on the coupon.
Next, you invite me to praise or complain. Most of us are pretty good with the latter, and need no prompt. The former I would have done on my own, but this snippet of paper has alienated me.
Last, you scold me in advance for complaining about the shipping time. Most of us only notice the slowness of shipping when we don't know if our item is on the way, and I already have the snippet of paper so the item is here. And you just invited me to complain a moment ago. Also, I have been pre-scolded for a complaint I haven't lodged. Okay, now search the stacks for The Collected Stories of Philip K. Dick and find the story ":Minority Report." Or read the synopsis of the movie at the IMDb site. Judgment and punishment for "precrime" is a bad idea.
I think the rest of the snippet is more blather about yourself and all the ways I should pay attention to you. I lost interest before I finished your snippet, and I have read the unabridged version of Les Miserables from beginning to end. It's hard for me to lose interest in six or seven lines of text, and yet you have managed to cause that.
I will probably buy something from you again, if you have the item I want at the price I want to pay. But I won't remember it was you, I don't think. If you want me to pay attention to you, either give me something I want, like a coupon, or be charming. If you had sent me a funny cartoon of yourselves yelling "Hey, buy another book or we'll starve!" I would have liked you much more.
